Christmas Memories...Of a bygone era...

Christmas has come and gone,leaving nothing but a layer of frost on the ground...and in the air. I am generally a bit melancholic at this time of the year. It might be the end of another year...or getting older again...(lol...as one of my friends mentioned recently,'we had only just celebrated you birthday,it is a year already?'...Time is flying by a bit too fast for my liking). Mostly it reminds me of those truly happy Christmasses of the far away days,as dead as an Indian Football World Cup Dream is. In school, you get Christmas vacations from roughly the 20th of December till the 1st week of January. Those were a time of travels for me. My Dad was stationed in Singapore then. And my Mom was ever ready to take a few days off from work. Those are my Gold-tinted memories. 

Long long days of loafing and shopping and doing absolutely nothing...Holiday barbecues in the NTU campus (for it never is too cold in Singapore for fry outs)and just hanging out,with my cousins and the few friends I had made.Thankfully for me,my parents were not exactly Discipline Nazis and by far,Singapore has been quite safe. Roaming all over the city at all times was quite fun. From the hyper-residential Clementi (where I used to stay) to the always alive and teeming with action stretches of Marina bay and Chinatown and Little India,there was hardly anywhere that we didn't go. Once we even sat out the night at Ang Mo Kio MRT station waiting for the first morning train to go back home. Of course, these were the days before the new fabulous Transitlink...back when Serangoon didn't have a rail station and Boon Lay was really the End of the World...

My favourite has always been the New Year countdown in the Raffles Square by the serene Singapore River, where the Merlion was stationed at that time at the Bay (later when I was in 8th std or so,the River Merlion and the cub where relocated to the current Merlion Park after the Esplanade was built and the Snowy bridge was re-opened). After that we used to travel to the huge Merlion statue located in Sentosa Island to see the fireworks from the TOP. It was the tallest landmark in Singapore which could be viewed from anywhere on the island and from where one could have a bird's eye view of the whole city. These little do's and small vacations defined Christmas for me for about 5-6 years. Without fail we did the exact same things every year...but somehow,none of us ever got bored. They weren't exactly remarkable things either,but it had a charm nothing could ever beat. They were happier times,sweeter somehow and totally uncomplicated. Sometimes I wonder how much simpler my life would have been if I were frozen at 10 forever.

PS:- The scary old man with the white beard has been extremely kind this year. He gave me a new friend, returned one whom I thought would never return, and the greatest of all...he gave me my P back...that too well in advance for Christmas. Now I am not scared of him anymore...lol ;) 

Where are all the buses when you wanna jump under one??? !!!

I'm tired...exhausted..sick even...of all the incessant crying and sleeping and lethargy and trying not to burst into tears at random places like the tube or my office etc...Some days it takes all I have to just get out of the bed and try to do something...anything..All I do is lie on the bed all day and do nothing but sleep or think...(which are exactly what I should avoid...well...)The smallest things irritate me...I basically don't want to do anything other than just mope... :X I AM TIRED and sooo pissed at myself......Life used to be much simpler...and I used to be happy,not so long ago...Now I can't even remember those days...Where have all the good days gone.... sigh :-S

And you know what the worst part is...I can't talk about this to any one...ANY ONE...Just the other day my friend RR(Well,there are too many R's in my life...too confusing) was trying to get me to talk about it,so I'll  feel better afterwards...but no,I couldn't...which is even stranger...because I can tell him any thing...ANY DAMN THING UNDER THE SUN...This is sooooooooo frustrating...!!!

I know I've been obsessing about this...well,at some level we all have OCD right...but mine is a bit more pronounced than most...Maybe that is one of the things that drove P away...(The other being that I'm a nagging self-centred bitch of course)... Well,I miss him..a lot...He has been my best friend...People say that you shouldn't look for everything in the same man...Well,may be that was my fault...but that is what I want,that is what I'm comfortable with...I dunno...not any more...

P.S: The high point of my evening was when my 12-year old student told me  "Miss,you look very pretty". And I'm graduating my masters this Tuesday...

Random things I feel like writing anyway...

• I am something of a masochist sometimes. Deliberately I sift through memories,old diary notes, photographs,messages that have hurt me in the past (or do so now), those I'm sure will only hurt more no matter how much ever time has passed or will pass. All the same,I cannot resist doing so...I just can't stop myself from taking that painful walk down the memory lane...

• Sometimes I feel as if what we really need is some time off from ourselves... yes that's right , not for ourselves but from ourselves...from all our thoughts,fears,feelings.. Isn't it rather unfair that the only person we can't really ever block out, not listen to, is the one person who constantly nags you every waking moment of the day, and some times even in sleep... At times  there is so much congestion in my brain that I feel like ripping off my head just for some mental peace. It is as if my brain is under constant attack from various thoughts and fears and insecurities... I don't think I am an isolated case... We think too much and worry too much and fear too much that we have turned our own heads into our worst enemy. At most times,I would give just about anything to get out of my own head. My head,my mind,my thoughts...they are the greatest of all evils. Other people can only talk to you,...your own mind plays such games with you,messing up your whole system...People you can avoid,but your mind...you have absolutely no choice than to stay with it...

• I have heard people compare love to a battlefield of emotions and egos and conflicting personalities...Personally I think it is a suicide mission. If it doesn't work out,it almost always kills some part of you. More over, it is something you jump into,without contemplating the outcome. I think I am something of a rookie when it comes to love. Over the years, I might have gotten older, but none the wiser it would seem. As I said to one of my friends lately, within the age of 21, three men have decided that I am bad news on the romance front. So I really don't think there is much hope left. And frankly, I couldn't care less as of now. I am still reeling from the after effects of the last one. Cuttu says that life shouldn't be this complicated at this age. Well, mine is...what to do !!