My take on Men and Love-in two words,Both Suck!!!

I read Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice when I was 12 or 13,while I was still in the "boys are scum" phase (which I still am to an extent and which belief gets stronger and stronger everyday). Lizzy Bennett was my heroine,feminist to the core,independent,strong...but then she went ,and got married to the insufferable Mr. Darcy. At that time I felt like I had been wronged,like a dear sister betrayed me..because men were the enemy and she vowed to live forever with one of them..Oh the Shame!!! lol ...

Lizzy was perfect in my eyes. Barring the constraints of those times (that Austen lived in and therefore Lizzy too), she was "the woman". She was smart,literary,intelligent,pretty,fearless... She is said to be portrayed by the author on herself. I recently saw the movie "Becoming Jane" based on Austen's early life and her alleged romance with Thomas Lefroy (politician and Judge who was the stereotype for the character of Mr. Darcy). Then I decided that more than Lizzy,it was probably Austen herself who is my heroine...

While I agree that I am not so much of a feminist all the time (I am,though in small doses),I loved Austen's feminist heroines. I wish I could say the same for her heroes. All her heroes are such arrogant toerags,Edmund (Mansfield Park) probably being the only sweet one (a little spineless though). This probably holds true for all the great love stories of the world. From Will Darcy to Rhett Butler to Mr Big,all the heroes are arrogant,self-centred and brutally sarcastic. And women do swoon over such men to an extent that makes me wonder... Do women  actually 'dig' these abominable "qualities"? And why is it that the smart,beautiful,intelligent and independent women of today (including myself...lol) feel that life is worthless without these absolute jerks??? Complete and total mystery...sigh :-s

In movies we  see that the sweet, thoughtful guy always triumphs over the jerks...or the jerks change colour to form sweet little lambs... How many such  men do we find in real life? And the ones that we think to be lambs turn out to be wolves in disguise. Are there no nice,kind guys in the real world...in which case,what exactly is it that all the women in the world are looking for? We may as well turn all gay...lol ;)

Note:-Kabhi kabhi poori duniya ka pyaar kum pad jaata hai...pyaar to bus ek hi se miljaaye na...kaafi hai.......

Me about Myself...

I have been in the process of learning new things about myself,re-evaluating myself,trying to find the person whom I had lost somewhere,the person who I really am.

I learnt that I don't hold grudges. No matter how beastly you have been to me now,I will not hold it against you when you have a bad time,or about 5 years down the lane,whichever is relevant. So if you caused me some great mental trauma some years before,feel free to ask for a favour now(lol). 

I have learnt that insecurity and inferiority complex are like my second skins. No matter how much ever I try to shed them,they just grow back over time. I have always been 'that' girl,the girl who takes time to make friends,the girl who find it difficult to trust people,the girl who is conscious of a million things all the time...It was so mentally exhausting,worrying about stuff all the time...I tried to get over it my concentrating my energy elsewhere...as I still do...but at night,when I lie in bed,all those feelings,fears come storming back to me...in multitude...I am still learning how to deal with them...(An example for my insecurity: My boyfriend once told me that I am not the top priority for him any more. I came after studies,work,family(which I totally understand) and friends(which I don't). He has been true to his word ever since. Blowing me off to hang out with  friends is something he does very frequently. He probably doesn't even realise it now or even remember saying this to me. It all happened a million years ago...But I remember it every day...not voluntarily,it just comes to me,out of the blue...).

I have learnt that I worry incessantly about the people I care,about their health,work,habits,thoughts...everything...I don't feel comfortable telling them that (obviously) but that is something I can't consciously stop. What I do is just push it back further into mind and tell myself that I will worry about it later,when I have time (very Scarlett O'Hara'ish,I know,that's why she is my evergreen heroine)...I know how stupid it is...but it just keeps cropping its head up now and then,and I push it back down again.

In Gone With the Wind,Old Mama Fontaine says that the worst thing that can ever happen to a woman is the feeling that she has seen the worst. I try to keep that in mind,always. Whenever anything bad happens,I tell myself that it is not the worst thing in the world. I try to believe that from somewhere or the other,I will gain the strength to go on...that I would never be put in a situation which I can't handle. I have learnt that even in the most utterly hopeless situations,I always search for a ray of hope,inevitably...that I never give up trying,no matter what...that work isn't what actually scares me,it is that feeling of hopelessness,of defeat and I channel all my strength into making something work,whether or not it is worth trying.

Most of all,I have learnt that,despite all the misgivings and weirdness and obsessions,I am really not a bad person. That I love people and care about them and am fiercely loyal and protective of them(despite my anti-social qualities). I am really not a bad person.....

Camden Outing!!!

I had an amazing day today. This was the birthday shopping that Cuttu has been promising me. There are these quaint rows of shops in Camden town,the street market and the Horse Tunnel Market.

I never thought I would find Lord Ganesh sitting around in a Chaadar so far away from India. But I turned around and Voila...there he is...

My high point of the day was my purchase of three very promising books. Can't wait to get started :D

I have wanted to buy a trapper hat for a long time. I got a doggy one !!! 

I know it looks weird...but I look cute in it :)

This is a Black Onyx set in Sterling Silver. I know,I know...no one wears black stones...But then,I am not like anyone else...lol ;)

Love comes in the lock form these days,with key et al...wish I'd known that before...and by the way,it is a watch too... Cool right!!!

So that was my day today,with two of my dear friends, frolicking around Camden..Most fun I have had in a long time !!!

 

Why I don't believe in Happily Ever Afters...

I wasn't born cynical.In most situations, I am almost optimistic.I like to believe that something good will come out of the most crappy situations. I don't hold grudges,that is,not for very long,I generally let people off the hook after a couple of days or weeks or in the worst situations,a few months. So when I say that I am cynical of relationships or don't believe in wonderful long lasting relationships,that is because I have been burnt,several times,both directly and indirectly,more times than I can count...

The latest in the line is the impending divorce of my cousin who got married a year ago. When I met her last,when I went home in September,she was insanely happy with her husband and family life and all that. And now all of a sudden, she is getting divorced. It is New year for crying out loud... and last year it was my eldest cousin bro and bhabhi, and my cousin her fiance and my childhood idol and her  husband.....and last week it was the jackass from my last post breaking up with his totally wonderful,understanding,pretty,girlfriend to hook back up with the girl who broke his heart and almost drove him to ruin his whole life...And do I even have to relate my disastrous personal life??? Na.... didn't think so...I have bored everyone with that for long enough...Sometimes it makes you wonder, whether its wrong to be happy at all...because I have noticed,that whenever I am happy like that,something or the other always goes wrong...

My parents have been married for 25 odd years. I have seen them happy,as in actually happy for about 5 of those years...and that too,in the very recent past,after they have grown older...Till they were always too busy to care or talk or just be there. I grew up seeing them very busy with their respective careers (which is weird because they aren't even that ambitious) or rather,not seeing them at all. I spent most of my childhood and adolescence wondering if it was my fault that I never got to see them,because I was always told that they worked like a couple of dervishes for me...One day,I just stopped caring...

Anyway,my traumatic childhood experiences notwithstanding, the only truly happy couple I have ever seen are my grandparents,which makes me think that happy couples are a rare species. I have seen a lot of separations and divorces and breakups,not to mention rocky relationships. My boyfriend once said that he believes that there is nothing called "the perfect life". A few years before,I might have disagreed. But now,I can't help but wonder,if settling is the name of the game..because no one seems to be getting anywhere expecting great things....

Rant Shmant....

This is a rant,I am ranting..Feel free to stop me,but I won't... so...This is directed at my favourite cousin and best friend (like hell). I am too chicken to say this out loud,partly because I am afraid that if I say out this loud,I might cry etc and partly because he has a lot of bulk on me(lol). So let's hope that he reads this and doesn't give me hell.

So here goes...

G(my coz sis) and I spent three years of our lives trying to get your life back on track. We lied to the whole world so you don't get into even worse trouble than you were already in. So you,don't get to tell me that I am unsupportive. You tell me that you have a paper due and haven't done it yet,I sit on your head till you do it. If you tell me that you don't feel like going to office,I come and kick your ass till you get out of bed. That is me being supportive. I don't do pyjama hugging parties or listening to sad stories when you get drunk. But I bloody well did that so you will get back to normal. You are not a baby,you are..well...old...When a girly girl screws you,you don't cry running to mommy and you bloody well don't do anything stupid to yourself. You Deal With It, on your own terms obviously,nevertheless,deal with it. 

You have no idea how scared we were that day,you were barely conscious.When they brought you into the hospital,we thought you were dead. We were too scared to even call Uncle. And then week after week we lied to everyone,explaining why you weren't coming home on weekends,FOR TWO MONTHS. You think that has been fun??? And then when you did come home, we sat out every night listening to you telling the same story over and over again and again...for months...G and I never went out at the same time,leaving you alone. We always made sure that one of us was always with you,no matter what...because we were scared to...Do you know what it feels like to be worrying about some one you love,every moment of every day,scared,petrified,that when you come home,there is no guarantee that that person will still be alive??? So please forgive me if I am less than thrilled when you tell me that the same girl who screwed your life is back on the scene and you are thinking about picking up where you left off. Its your life and if you wanna screw it up your ass again,fine,go ahead,be my guest,whatever...Just don't expect me to watch,or applaud you from the stands...because you can bet your life that I will kill you before I have to do that. 

Oh yeah,and you don't get to tell me what this person or that person had to say about you guys getting back together...because he/she never had to see what G and I saw,never had to see you half-dead or in the most pathetic disposition I have seen another human being in...

THE END

The New year I almost didn't see

It is that time of the year...when everyone posts about the past year and the resolutions for the new year etcetera etcetera... I did that twice. So I'm sort of breaking the tradition (so to say) this year. I am gonna post about the New Year I almost didn't see.

This was 4 years ago...the new year of 2007,after my entry into the 'super-uber cool' gang of my older (read much-older) cousin bros and their friends (unofficially , I have always hung out with them...lol).One of our friends' dad has a summer/winter/whatever house in the ranges of Wayanad. That was our destination. Our way,was the famous/infamous hairpin bends dubbed in a certain Malayalam movie as "Thaamarassery Churam". To explain 'we'...we included two of my cousins,3 of their friends,including "M"(my M, from the other blog), and sisters of 2 of those other guys. We set off in three cars...it was amazing,lots of fun etc etc...We were in the second car,M was driving, I was in passenger and his bro and my bro were religiously listening to some crap music in the back seat. The ones behind us had stopped a bit behind due to a flat tyre. So we were sort of going slow,waiting for them to catch up,for the ones to arrange our stay had left ahead. It all happened too fast for me to register completely. It involved a tipper truck coming down the slope at a freaking pace. I remember M swerving wildly to avoid hitting it,I remember my brother crying out to me to duck,and I remember hitting my head on the windscreen...Then..I blacked out...no,not really,it was more like swimming up and down,M swearing,my brother yelling,M's brother L had hit his head on the top and passed out...then...I went under...for good,I thought,if this was dying,it isn't so bad..!!! I came to my brother slapping my cheeks to wake me and someone yelling on the phone...We were wedged between two of those rock-like concrete blocks on the edge of the road...half out into the mini-crevice with the support of just a tree...and exactly horizontal on the road. It was a wait...a hell of a wait...to find out whether we will live or die...There was no way out...If the tree collapsed,we will be history...Well,I didn't have the presence of mind to think all this at that time...My head was paining like hell. It was only seeing M's panicked face that reminded me that there was a very real possibility that we might not live through the day...Our best shot was the other team reaching us before the tree collapsed(we weren't level-headed enough to think of calling the fire-force)...and God know they were trying like hell to cover 30  kilometres in 10 mins...well...it sounds doable...it is...but not in such terrain...So...we waited...and waited and waited...it was...I dunno...surreal...I felt as if I'm living somebody else's life for a moment...you know,the feeling you get when things you read about,hear, about..but not really think would never happen to you...the feeling you get when something like that happens to you...Even now when I think about that day...it seems as if I'm looking over from somewhere and seeing something that happened to someone...

After what seemed like eternity,they...Finally...Reached...and thankfully,their heroic instincts had been overpowered by fear perhaps and they had arrived at the head of what seemed like a procession in red and booming sirens...They managed to get us out...couldn't save the car though...the tree collapsed and it fell deep and long...and there wasn't much left to be salvaged...Well...we caught a lucky break,so to say. I had a concussion and 3 stitches,L had a severe concussion and was delirious for days...He just couldn't believe that he was alive...M and my brother hadn't even a scratch,though the truck had hit their side...as I said,we caught a lucky break...after all it was the Christmas Eve 2006...and we got our very own miracle.

PS: I'm not even sure that what I've written is English.I've just crammed words into sentences to get it out of my system. I've been trying to post this for days...just couldn't seem to find the words...I've had nightmares about that day for 4 years...I have never been able to get over that day...and it is bloody weird...how much ever I try not to think about it...I am forcefully reminded of it in very many ways...