On getting not enough time...and getting too much time...lol

Time is something that has always fascinated me. I am not exactly the best time keeper in the world. More often than not,I'm LATE for things. I have seriously not been able to figure out why that is because mostly I would have woken up early and done my chores etc in preparation of the arriving event. But when the time comes,I'm always late... Those are the times when I feel that I'm running out of time...like I'm running and running and never quite reaching where I'm supposed to ...

And then there are other times when I feel that if time were going any slower,I'll be going backwards...I feel this especially when I' waiting for the Hammersmith & City Line to go to work and at work itself. H&C line is perhaps the slowest of all London Underground lines.The frequency of the trains is really low too. But it is the most convenient way in which I could get to work as it is direct from my doorstep to my office(well,it used to be just that,but now I need to walk a bit from home). Sometimes I have to wait in the station for 25-30 minutes for a ride of 15 minutes. Meanwhile 4-5 district line trains(which is the other slow line) passes me by. And I have this image of me sitting there,waiting for H&C line train,growing old...wrinkles,grey hair et al appearing miraculously in a moment...lol..forgive the melodrama ;)And at work,I spend more time looking at the clock than in getting any actual work done.It is sooooooooo borrrrriiiiiingggggggg(data entry,accounts etc I know,I know,it is a rather weird choice after studying Physics..but hey,they pay me...lol) and mostly it finishes so fast that I'm left with nothing to do...but anyway I have to sit there till 2 to satisfy my 4 hours a day schedule...So I sit there and dream,sleep,write...and doodle on and on ;) By the time I reach home,I'm totally boreddddd...of boredom :O 

My big book of Gyaan Chapter-1

The opposite of love is not hate,it is indifference. As long as you hate someone,it means that you still care. But once that changes into indifference and all the leftover passion evaporates,it pretty much is over..whether it be a relationship,or friendship or whatever...

When I love someone,I make it a point to show that I care, by taking an interest in that person's life. And that is something I would expect in return too. My attitude towards a person generally depends upon how he or she reacts to me,or generally behaves with me. So if you feel I'm being indifferent to you,you know where to look...

I admit that I'm not a good judge of people/character. I have made some pretty bad judgements in the past and I guess it is safe to assume that I will do so in the future too. Therefore I find it a bit difficult to just come out and trust people. Who knows,someone I love and trust might not be the most trustworthy person in the world. He /she could be a cheater or liar or kleptomaniac for all I know. But then again ,if that person could give me just one good reason to trust him/her,I find it easier to forget all that.

Next time you care about a person just don't refrain from telling that person that...It could mean the world to him/her...I know that for a fact...I feel bad when someone I care about doesn't reciprocate my feelings,or when he/she doesn't tell me that he/she cares(even after I have made it very clear)...So I guess it should be the same for everyone...No one has sixth sense right,you have to say it for the other person to understand. And sometimes,just knowing that the other person loves you is not enough,you so have to hear it...and when that person doesn't tell you that,it feels awful...It makes me insecure and in doubt of myself.But I would also say that if you don't feel the same,don't refrain from telling that either,because that ,would be just like cheating that person. It is always better to know the truth,however ugly it is,don't you agree?

To A...loving brother and great friend...

To A...loving brother and great friend...

I have never gotten around to telling you how much I love you,the truth is, I never got a chance to,we have been too busy fighting and arguing over serious issues at work and petty issues at home...I should have known better,I really can't believe I made the same mistake twice,of not telling someone I love that I loved them. I'm sorry I never took the time to tell you that I love you...despite all the nasty things I've said to you,and heard from you,I love you,I have loved you for as long as I have lived,and I will continue to love you for as long as I shall live...

I mourn your loss with all my heart,I do,really...but I'm not sure yet if I have come to terms with it...well,it has just been two days after all...I spent most part of these days hoping that someone would shout "April fool" and then I'll get to shout at you some more and give you hell for pulling that over me...But then,they cremated you today.So I guess,you really are gone,back to the earth,back to where you came from...whatever...

It is said that you fight the most with the people you love the most,right? Then I guess you are my favourite brother in the world...By your own admittance,we have been fighting for as long as I have been talking...

When I say I mourn you,it is not without a selfish hue to it (Now I see you smile and say "I knew it"). You have always accepted me as the neurotic,self-centred bitch that I am,and never thought less of me due to that. You have lashed out at me regardless of my feelings whenever you felt that I'm going down a wrong path,all the while defending me in front of everyone else. And you have always stood by me,no matter what,even when you knew full well that I was wrong. You respected me as a person,an individual and respected my space and my decisions,errant though they might have been. The fact that I'm your 10-year younger sister never clouded your judgement.

As a boss,you were very taxing,but I've enjoyed working with you. You got me to do things that you couldn't have got a lazy ass like me to do otherwise. That was fun...lol. As a brother,you were a pain in the neck,but I've enjoyed  our banter over the years. As a friend,you were the best...frank,supportive and there always,like my personal rock. I thought you will be there like that always,I never thought you will disappear in a jiffy...like you did...

I would wear black for you for the rest of my life if that would make you happy...but I don't think so...You have lived you life the way you wanted to,on your own terms and had a great one at that(Well,I should quit whining before your sarcasm kicks in...) So I'll just say that it has been a pleasure growing up with you...knowing you...You were decisive but fair,critical but kind...I have had a great time with you...Until we meet again in another world...I love you...Thank you or being there for me...always...Thank you for being you...

P.S- My brother A (whom I'm sure you remember from that extra long post on the other blog some time back) passed away in an accident a couple of days back. I have always maintained that not being able to tell the people you love that you love them is one of the greatest misfortunes of life.It is,indeed...I have learnt it the hard way and I sincerely hope and pray that no one else has to go through the hell that I have gone through...ever...in life...

Ex-hausted!!!

I had a rather interesting conversation a few days ago with an ex (well,technically, ex-ex,my first boyfriend,first love etc etc). I had wanted to write about this sometime before , but everytime I got around to it ,I got a bit angry...and then some. I came so close to throwing my cell phone into the Bow Back River the last time around...lol.

My record with my exes hasn't been all that great. Either I couldn't muster enough maturity to regard them as friends after the break up, and when I finally came around to it,they just acted like morons...What were 'hi-bye' relationships went awry and awrier...till I felt so inadequate to handle it...

So as I was saying, it was rather an unpleasant surprise. Let us call him RP. Our families have been close for years. R's younger brother Ud is one of my dearest friends. RP and I dated for about a year and a half,some time in school...9th std (me), 11th std(him).

I have never given even my closest friends (or even my boyfriend) a clear-cut reason for our break-up. I have always maintained that we decided that it would be best when he went away to do his Bachelors (although we still stayed in the same district). He cheated on me with his ex,who was also a friend,or so I had thought...(well , so what is new right...)...  I really didn't feel all that bad about the break-up, to be honest it was getting a bit tiresome with us fighting all the time,him picking on my friends,my brothers etc, it was the betrayal,the breaking the trust part that sort of broke me... He didn't tell me all this news,one of my friends who didn't even know we were going around,happened to mention it in passing...I mean,I don't mind if you break-up with me today and then start dating someone else tomorrow itself,but atleast let me know that you are DONE with me,right? He didn't show even a little remorse when I confronted him...He just said that he was bored and had wanted to explore other options. I just sat there and cried...and now comes the dialogue of the millennium..."I thought you were stronger"...So what does that mean,it was easier to break my heart because I am strong??? 

That was perhaps the very first real shock I got in my life. It took me almost 3 year to recover, to actually start trusting people,male and female...and to start dating again...Having crushes is one thing, but getting scared sick and chickening out when a guy is trying to flirt with you is a totally different matter,unhealthy even.  Ud has said time and again that he understood what I went through at that time...I ask him just 1 question..."Have you ever been a 16 year old girl whose boyfriend has cheated on her?" If not you never can understand.

Eventually I managed to forgive him,be civil to him,whatever and then,he went totally cuckoo on me (lol,that is an expression I haven't even read in years ). He just stopped talking to me, we haven't talked in last 3 years...and then , the surprise phone call...You get the picture,right? 

There was nothing so unusual about the call itself,it was very cordial,polite etc etc and exceedingly irritating... I hadn't realised that I was still so angry about the whole mess after all these years...Maybe I just need a little more time to actually not care about that...The funny thing is,I am not really angry at him ,I don't even hate him any more..I just don't care about him...It is the whole situation that I am mad about. That was a shitty thing he did...and after that he actually had the nerve to face me,and throw attitude in oodles at me...Great...

To my way of thinking,there are a few lines that never should be crossed. Cheating and lying about it are definitely at the top of that list, at the very top in fact. And then I guess,the vanity,the ego of a 16 year old girl was hurt very badly,probably irreparably...I believe that this incident did have a  hand in shaping me to be this neurotic,needy,paranoid,weird person that I am now,although I can't blame my weirdness totally on one incident... But it sort of shook me up on relationships...trusting someone is not something I do very easily these days...Well...a thought for future boyfriends...a handout stating all these details, disclaimer of sorts...funny huh...!!!

I think I made a mistake coming back to London. I should have stayed home where I belong, spending time with people I love and those who love me... There were many reasons why I wanted to come back here but now I feel as if none of them hold good any more...I don't think there is anything left for me here ... I feel an unnamed hostility in the air which urges me to leave as soon as possible...There no more is any reason for me to stay here...I wonder if it was ever there in the first place... I don't know if all those arguments and all the convincing it took for my parents to allow me to come back here was worth it , because after all that, I came here  to  feel like an unwanted guest at a wedding...

I wish all that hadn't happened...I wish I hadn't come back...I wish I hadn't come to London in the first place...I wish I'd gone anywhere else in the world but here...I wish I could rewind the past three years to right where I was before, to who I was before...I wish I had never met some people,never came into contact with them...

Sometimes , just sometimes I wish I could just stop breathing and be done with it...So I don't have to get up every morning to go through the same shit all over again... I wish...

It should be really easy to trust yourself rather than someone else. But that is a challenge I have been facing for few years...(Read that as the better part of my not so very long life...). I make up my mind or have made up my mind to do that a hell lot of times...but then when the actual test of time comes...I just give in...It shouldn't be that difficult right??

For 21 years I regarded myself  the most important person in my life...that's the way it should be right??? But sometimes  I get the feeling that, that is all talk nowadays, that I put so many people before myself...I think of what someone might think if I do certain thing etc. That's quite disturbing for me, because I have never NEVER cared a shit as to what anyone thinks about my some deed or the other...I have become weird...no...weirder...sighhhh :-S

I keep telling myself that I'm better than that...that this might be just a phase that is going to pass before I know it...But honestly...I'm a little worried...and more than all,for my sanity...because now apparently I am running out of things to worry about, so am thinking about things that are not at all important to me or anybody else and worrying about them...Nice right...!!!

PS:  I am yet to wake up so I have absolutely no idea what this post is about!!!