Camden Outing!!!

I had an amazing day today. This was the birthday shopping that Cuttu has been promising me. There are these quaint rows of shops in Camden town,the street market and the Horse Tunnel Market.

I never thought I would find Lord Ganesh sitting around in a Chaadar so far away from India. But I turned around and Voila...there he is...

My high point of the day was my purchase of three very promising books. Can't wait to get started :D

I have wanted to buy a trapper hat for a long time. I got a doggy one !!! 

I know it looks weird...but I look cute in it :)

This is a Black Onyx set in Sterling Silver. I know,I know...no one wears black stones...But then,I am not like anyone else...lol ;)

Love comes in the lock form these days,with key et al...wish I'd known that before...and by the way,it is a watch too... Cool right!!!

So that was my day today,with two of my dear friends, frolicking around Camden..Most fun I have had in a long time !!!

 

Why I don't believe in Happily Ever Afters...

I wasn't born cynical.In most situations, I am almost optimistic.I like to believe that something good will come out of the most crappy situations. I don't hold grudges,that is,not for very long,I generally let people off the hook after a couple of days or weeks or in the worst situations,a few months. So when I say that I am cynical of relationships or don't believe in wonderful long lasting relationships,that is because I have been burnt,several times,both directly and indirectly,more times than I can count...

The latest in the line is the impending divorce of my cousin who got married a year ago. When I met her last,when I went home in September,she was insanely happy with her husband and family life and all that. And now all of a sudden, she is getting divorced. It is New year for crying out loud... and last year it was my eldest cousin bro and bhabhi, and my cousin her fiance and my childhood idol and her  husband.....and last week it was the jackass from my last post breaking up with his totally wonderful,understanding,pretty,girlfriend to hook back up with the girl who broke his heart and almost drove him to ruin his whole life...And do I even have to relate my disastrous personal life??? Na.... didn't think so...I have bored everyone with that for long enough...Sometimes it makes you wonder, whether its wrong to be happy at all...because I have noticed,that whenever I am happy like that,something or the other always goes wrong...

My parents have been married for 25 odd years. I have seen them happy,as in actually happy for about 5 of those years...and that too,in the very recent past,after they have grown older...Till they were always too busy to care or talk or just be there. I grew up seeing them very busy with their respective careers (which is weird because they aren't even that ambitious) or rather,not seeing them at all. I spent most of my childhood and adolescence wondering if it was my fault that I never got to see them,because I was always told that they worked like a couple of dervishes for me...One day,I just stopped caring...

Anyway,my traumatic childhood experiences notwithstanding, the only truly happy couple I have ever seen are my grandparents,which makes me think that happy couples are a rare species. I have seen a lot of separations and divorces and breakups,not to mention rocky relationships. My boyfriend once said that he believes that there is nothing called "the perfect life". A few years before,I might have disagreed. But now,I can't help but wonder,if settling is the name of the game..because no one seems to be getting anywhere expecting great things....

Rant Shmant....

This is a rant,I am ranting..Feel free to stop me,but I won't... so...This is directed at my favourite cousin and best friend (like hell). I am too chicken to say this out loud,partly because I am afraid that if I say out this loud,I might cry etc and partly because he has a lot of bulk on me(lol). So let's hope that he reads this and doesn't give me hell.

So here goes...

G(my coz sis) and I spent three years of our lives trying to get your life back on track. We lied to the whole world so you don't get into even worse trouble than you were already in. So you,don't get to tell me that I am unsupportive. You tell me that you have a paper due and haven't done it yet,I sit on your head till you do it. If you tell me that you don't feel like going to office,I come and kick your ass till you get out of bed. That is me being supportive. I don't do pyjama hugging parties or listening to sad stories when you get drunk. But I bloody well did that so you will get back to normal. You are not a baby,you are..well...old...When a girly girl screws you,you don't cry running to mommy and you bloody well don't do anything stupid to yourself. You Deal With It, on your own terms obviously,nevertheless,deal with it. 

You have no idea how scared we were that day,you were barely conscious.When they brought you into the hospital,we thought you were dead. We were too scared to even call Uncle. And then week after week we lied to everyone,explaining why you weren't coming home on weekends,FOR TWO MONTHS. You think that has been fun??? And then when you did come home, we sat out every night listening to you telling the same story over and over again and again...for months...G and I never went out at the same time,leaving you alone. We always made sure that one of us was always with you,no matter what...because we were scared to...Do you know what it feels like to be worrying about some one you love,every moment of every day,scared,petrified,that when you come home,there is no guarantee that that person will still be alive??? So please forgive me if I am less than thrilled when you tell me that the same girl who screwed your life is back on the scene and you are thinking about picking up where you left off. Its your life and if you wanna screw it up your ass again,fine,go ahead,be my guest,whatever...Just don't expect me to watch,or applaud you from the stands...because you can bet your life that I will kill you before I have to do that. 

Oh yeah,and you don't get to tell me what this person or that person had to say about you guys getting back together...because he/she never had to see what G and I saw,never had to see you half-dead or in the most pathetic disposition I have seen another human being in...

THE END

The New year I almost didn't see

It is that time of the year...when everyone posts about the past year and the resolutions for the new year etcetera etcetera... I did that twice. So I'm sort of breaking the tradition (so to say) this year. I am gonna post about the New Year I almost didn't see.

This was 4 years ago...the new year of 2007,after my entry into the 'super-uber cool' gang of my older (read much-older) cousin bros and their friends (unofficially , I have always hung out with them...lol).One of our friends' dad has a summer/winter/whatever house in the ranges of Wayanad. That was our destination. Our way,was the famous/infamous hairpin bends dubbed in a certain Malayalam movie as "Thaamarassery Churam". To explain 'we'...we included two of my cousins,3 of their friends,including "M"(my M, from the other blog), and sisters of 2 of those other guys. We set off in three cars...it was amazing,lots of fun etc etc...We were in the second car,M was driving, I was in passenger and his bro and my bro were religiously listening to some crap music in the back seat. The ones behind us had stopped a bit behind due to a flat tyre. So we were sort of going slow,waiting for them to catch up,for the ones to arrange our stay had left ahead. It all happened too fast for me to register completely. It involved a tipper truck coming down the slope at a freaking pace. I remember M swerving wildly to avoid hitting it,I remember my brother crying out to me to duck,and I remember hitting my head on the windscreen...Then..I blacked out...no,not really,it was more like swimming up and down,M swearing,my brother yelling,M's brother L had hit his head on the top and passed out...then...I went under...for good,I thought,if this was dying,it isn't so bad..!!! I came to my brother slapping my cheeks to wake me and someone yelling on the phone...We were wedged between two of those rock-like concrete blocks on the edge of the road...half out into the mini-crevice with the support of just a tree...and exactly horizontal on the road. It was a wait...a hell of a wait...to find out whether we will live or die...There was no way out...If the tree collapsed,we will be history...Well,I didn't have the presence of mind to think all this at that time...My head was paining like hell. It was only seeing M's panicked face that reminded me that there was a very real possibility that we might not live through the day...Our best shot was the other team reaching us before the tree collapsed(we weren't level-headed enough to think of calling the fire-force)...and God know they were trying like hell to cover 30  kilometres in 10 mins...well...it sounds doable...it is...but not in such terrain...So...we waited...and waited and waited...it was...I dunno...surreal...I felt as if I'm living somebody else's life for a moment...you know,the feeling you get when things you read about,hear, about..but not really think would never happen to you...the feeling you get when something like that happens to you...Even now when I think about that day...it seems as if I'm looking over from somewhere and seeing something that happened to someone...

After what seemed like eternity,they...Finally...Reached...and thankfully,their heroic instincts had been overpowered by fear perhaps and they had arrived at the head of what seemed like a procession in red and booming sirens...They managed to get us out...couldn't save the car though...the tree collapsed and it fell deep and long...and there wasn't much left to be salvaged...Well...we caught a lucky break,so to say. I had a concussion and 3 stitches,L had a severe concussion and was delirious for days...He just couldn't believe that he was alive...M and my brother hadn't even a scratch,though the truck had hit their side...as I said,we caught a lucky break...after all it was the Christmas Eve 2006...and we got our very own miracle.

PS: I'm not even sure that what I've written is English.I've just crammed words into sentences to get it out of my system. I've been trying to post this for days...just couldn't seem to find the words...I've had nightmares about that day for 4 years...I have never been able to get over that day...and it is bloody weird...how much ever I try not to think about it...I am forcefully reminded of it in very many ways... 

Christmas Memories...Of a bygone era...

Christmas has come and gone,leaving nothing but a layer of frost on the ground...and in the air. I am generally a bit melancholic at this time of the year. It might be the end of another year...or getting older again...(lol...as one of my friends mentioned recently,'we had only just celebrated you birthday,it is a year already?'...Time is flying by a bit too fast for my liking). Mostly it reminds me of those truly happy Christmasses of the far away days,as dead as an Indian Football World Cup Dream is. In school, you get Christmas vacations from roughly the 20th of December till the 1st week of January. Those were a time of travels for me. My Dad was stationed in Singapore then. And my Mom was ever ready to take a few days off from work. Those are my Gold-tinted memories. 

Long long days of loafing and shopping and doing absolutely nothing...Holiday barbecues in the NTU campus (for it never is too cold in Singapore for fry outs)and just hanging out,with my cousins and the few friends I had made.Thankfully for me,my parents were not exactly Discipline Nazis and by far,Singapore has been quite safe. Roaming all over the city at all times was quite fun. From the hyper-residential Clementi (where I used to stay) to the always alive and teeming with action stretches of Marina bay and Chinatown and Little India,there was hardly anywhere that we didn't go. Once we even sat out the night at Ang Mo Kio MRT station waiting for the first morning train to go back home. Of course, these were the days before the new fabulous Transitlink...back when Serangoon didn't have a rail station and Boon Lay was really the End of the World...

My favourite has always been the New Year countdown in the Raffles Square by the serene Singapore River, where the Merlion was stationed at that time at the Bay (later when I was in 8th std or so,the River Merlion and the cub where relocated to the current Merlion Park after the Esplanade was built and the Snowy bridge was re-opened). After that we used to travel to the huge Merlion statue located in Sentosa Island to see the fireworks from the TOP. It was the tallest landmark in Singapore which could be viewed from anywhere on the island and from where one could have a bird's eye view of the whole city. These little do's and small vacations defined Christmas for me for about 5-6 years. Without fail we did the exact same things every year...but somehow,none of us ever got bored. They weren't exactly remarkable things either,but it had a charm nothing could ever beat. They were happier times,sweeter somehow and totally uncomplicated. Sometimes I wonder how much simpler my life would have been if I were frozen at 10 forever.

PS:- The scary old man with the white beard has been extremely kind this year. He gave me a new friend, returned one whom I thought would never return, and the greatest of all...he gave me my P back...that too well in advance for Christmas. Now I am not scared of him anymore...lol ;) 

Where are all the buses when you wanna jump under one??? !!!

I'm tired...exhausted..sick even...of all the incessant crying and sleeping and lethargy and trying not to burst into tears at random places like the tube or my office etc...Some days it takes all I have to just get out of the bed and try to do something...anything..All I do is lie on the bed all day and do nothing but sleep or think...(which are exactly what I should avoid...well...)The smallest things irritate me...I basically don't want to do anything other than just mope... :X I AM TIRED and sooo pissed at myself......Life used to be much simpler...and I used to be happy,not so long ago...Now I can't even remember those days...Where have all the good days gone.... sigh :-S

And you know what the worst part is...I can't talk about this to any one...ANY ONE...Just the other day my friend RR(Well,there are too many R's in my life...too confusing) was trying to get me to talk about it,so I'll  feel better afterwards...but no,I couldn't...which is even stranger...because I can tell him any thing...ANY DAMN THING UNDER THE SUN...This is sooooooooo frustrating...!!!

I know I've been obsessing about this...well,at some level we all have OCD right...but mine is a bit more pronounced than most...Maybe that is one of the things that drove P away...(The other being that I'm a nagging self-centred bitch of course)... Well,I miss him..a lot...He has been my best friend...People say that you shouldn't look for everything in the same man...Well,may be that was my fault...but that is what I want,that is what I'm comfortable with...I dunno...not any more...

P.S: The high point of my evening was when my 12-year old student told me  "Miss,you look very pretty". And I'm graduating my masters this Tuesday...

Random things I feel like writing anyway...

• I am something of a masochist sometimes. Deliberately I sift through memories,old diary notes, photographs,messages that have hurt me in the past (or do so now), those I'm sure will only hurt more no matter how much ever time has passed or will pass. All the same,I cannot resist doing so...I just can't stop myself from taking that painful walk down the memory lane...

• Sometimes I feel as if what we really need is some time off from ourselves... yes that's right , not for ourselves but from ourselves...from all our thoughts,fears,feelings.. Isn't it rather unfair that the only person we can't really ever block out, not listen to, is the one person who constantly nags you every waking moment of the day, and some times even in sleep... At times  there is so much congestion in my brain that I feel like ripping off my head just for some mental peace. It is as if my brain is under constant attack from various thoughts and fears and insecurities... I don't think I am an isolated case... We think too much and worry too much and fear too much that we have turned our own heads into our worst enemy. At most times,I would give just about anything to get out of my own head. My head,my mind,my thoughts...they are the greatest of all evils. Other people can only talk to you,...your own mind plays such games with you,messing up your whole system...People you can avoid,but your mind...you have absolutely no choice than to stay with it...

• I have heard people compare love to a battlefield of emotions and egos and conflicting personalities...Personally I think it is a suicide mission. If it doesn't work out,it almost always kills some part of you. More over, it is something you jump into,without contemplating the outcome. I think I am something of a rookie when it comes to love. Over the years, I might have gotten older, but none the wiser it would seem. As I said to one of my friends lately, within the age of 21, three men have decided that I am bad news on the romance front. So I really don't think there is much hope left. And frankly, I couldn't care less as of now. I am still reeling from the after effects of the last one. Cuttu says that life shouldn't be this complicated at this age. Well, mine is...what to do !!