Christmas Memories...Of a bygone era...

Christmas has come and gone,leaving nothing but a layer of frost on the ground...and in the air. I am generally a bit melancholic at this time of the year. It might be the end of another year...or getting older again...(lol...as one of my friends mentioned recently,'we had only just celebrated you birthday,it is a year already?'...Time is flying by a bit too fast for my liking). Mostly it reminds me of those truly happy Christmasses of the far away days,as dead as an Indian Football World Cup Dream is. In school, you get Christmas vacations from roughly the 20th of December till the 1st week of January. Those were a time of travels for me. My Dad was stationed in Singapore then. And my Mom was ever ready to take a few days off from work. Those are my Gold-tinted memories. 

Long long days of loafing and shopping and doing absolutely nothing...Holiday barbecues in the NTU campus (for it never is too cold in Singapore for fry outs)and just hanging out,with my cousins and the few friends I had made.Thankfully for me,my parents were not exactly Discipline Nazis and by far,Singapore has been quite safe. Roaming all over the city at all times was quite fun. From the hyper-residential Clementi (where I used to stay) to the always alive and teeming with action stretches of Marina bay and Chinatown and Little India,there was hardly anywhere that we didn't go. Once we even sat out the night at Ang Mo Kio MRT station waiting for the first morning train to go back home. Of course, these were the days before the new fabulous Transitlink...back when Serangoon didn't have a rail station and Boon Lay was really the End of the World...

My favourite has always been the New Year countdown in the Raffles Square by the serene Singapore River, where the Merlion was stationed at that time at the Bay (later when I was in 8th std or so,the River Merlion and the cub where relocated to the current Merlion Park after the Esplanade was built and the Snowy bridge was re-opened). After that we used to travel to the huge Merlion statue located in Sentosa Island to see the fireworks from the TOP. It was the tallest landmark in Singapore which could be viewed from anywhere on the island and from where one could have a bird's eye view of the whole city. These little do's and small vacations defined Christmas for me for about 5-6 years. Without fail we did the exact same things every year...but somehow,none of us ever got bored. They weren't exactly remarkable things either,but it had a charm nothing could ever beat. They were happier times,sweeter somehow and totally uncomplicated. Sometimes I wonder how much simpler my life would have been if I were frozen at 10 forever.

PS:- The scary old man with the white beard has been extremely kind this year. He gave me a new friend, returned one whom I thought would never return, and the greatest of all...he gave me my P back...that too well in advance for Christmas. Now I am not scared of him anymore...lol ;) 

Where are all the buses when you wanna jump under one??? !!!

I'm tired...exhausted..sick even...of all the incessant crying and sleeping and lethargy and trying not to burst into tears at random places like the tube or my office etc...Some days it takes all I have to just get out of the bed and try to do something...anything..All I do is lie on the bed all day and do nothing but sleep or think...(which are exactly what I should avoid...well...)The smallest things irritate me...I basically don't want to do anything other than just mope... :X I AM TIRED and sooo pissed at myself......Life used to be much simpler...and I used to be happy,not so long ago...Now I can't even remember those days...Where have all the good days gone.... sigh :-S

And you know what the worst part is...I can't talk about this to any one...ANY ONE...Just the other day my friend RR(Well,there are too many R's in my life...too confusing) was trying to get me to talk about it,so I'll  feel better afterwards...but no,I couldn't...which is even stranger...because I can tell him any thing...ANY DAMN THING UNDER THE SUN...This is sooooooooo frustrating...!!!

I know I've been obsessing about this...well,at some level we all have OCD right...but mine is a bit more pronounced than most...Maybe that is one of the things that drove P away...(The other being that I'm a nagging self-centred bitch of course)... Well,I miss him..a lot...He has been my best friend...People say that you shouldn't look for everything in the same man...Well,may be that was my fault...but that is what I want,that is what I'm comfortable with...I dunno...not any more...

P.S: The high point of my evening was when my 12-year old student told me  "Miss,you look very pretty". And I'm graduating my masters this Tuesday...

Random things I feel like writing anyway...

• I am something of a masochist sometimes. Deliberately I sift through memories,old diary notes, photographs,messages that have hurt me in the past (or do so now), those I'm sure will only hurt more no matter how much ever time has passed or will pass. All the same,I cannot resist doing so...I just can't stop myself from taking that painful walk down the memory lane...

• Sometimes I feel as if what we really need is some time off from ourselves... yes that's right , not for ourselves but from ourselves...from all our thoughts,fears,feelings.. Isn't it rather unfair that the only person we can't really ever block out, not listen to, is the one person who constantly nags you every waking moment of the day, and some times even in sleep... At times  there is so much congestion in my brain that I feel like ripping off my head just for some mental peace. It is as if my brain is under constant attack from various thoughts and fears and insecurities... I don't think I am an isolated case... We think too much and worry too much and fear too much that we have turned our own heads into our worst enemy. At most times,I would give just about anything to get out of my own head. My head,my mind,my thoughts...they are the greatest of all evils. Other people can only talk to you,...your own mind plays such games with you,messing up your whole system...People you can avoid,but your mind...you have absolutely no choice than to stay with it...

• I have heard people compare love to a battlefield of emotions and egos and conflicting personalities...Personally I think it is a suicide mission. If it doesn't work out,it almost always kills some part of you. More over, it is something you jump into,without contemplating the outcome. I think I am something of a rookie when it comes to love. Over the years, I might have gotten older, but none the wiser it would seem. As I said to one of my friends lately, within the age of 21, three men have decided that I am bad news on the romance front. So I really don't think there is much hope left. And frankly, I couldn't care less as of now. I am still reeling from the after effects of the last one. Cuttu says that life shouldn't be this complicated at this age. Well, mine is...what to do !!

Third time unlucky a.k.a my own 28-11...

My blogger friend Raaji says that "drinking is a form of suicide where you're allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day". Well,apparently,that is a favour not granted to me...like many else...Well,so what's new...Right...

P and I broke up Saturday night...in a drunken haze(me),in a sleep-cum-angry haze(him). Long story short,I was quite drunk to think straight and we threw around a lot of words that probably meant nothing but...well...I don't know if a come back from something like that is possible. Ya well, that's that I guess. And I got my first ever taste at moping in my PJ's. So I slept for about 30 hours straight and then started to watch Sex and the City all over again when I felt the water works were about to start. Well,that wasn't(read isn't) much better either because that being my bible,reminded me of all the reasons I thought this was 'the one'  and the water works started anyway.

The worst part about the whole break up scenario is some of my close friends. They are all nice and sweet and soothing and all you'll find someone else and I think this is what you should do and etc etc...I mean,I know they are well-meaning and all that,but,...am like,hellooooo....I am not changing clothes here,it was a relationship and was my most serious one so far...so please have the decorum to just not push me into the singles swimming pool already...

Seriously I am tired,exhausted,physically,mentally,emotionally...I have been dating for 7 years,been in 3 relationships,one of them actually serious and in love etc etc... I know I'm acting like I'm 70 years old...but really am tired with the whole dating business...I think I'll be one of those cliched "Old woman with a cat"(or rather,dog in my case)..Life would probably be much simpler that way...

My big book of Gyaan Chapter-2 Love

Finding love is a tricky business. Love has different meanings for different people. It is funny how sometimes two people in a single relationship have conflicting definitions for the same concept. Perhaps that difference is what holds them together,perhaps not...I really don't know.

For me,love is about finding that perfect (for me),big love that I can't live without. For Cuttu, it is about finding the guy who understands and accepts her as she is and basically takes care of her (in a very feminist kind of way...lol). For Capricious, it is all about finding that person she can love and respect above all.

I am of the opinion that it is not very difficult to actually find someone you can love more than life itself. My point is, once you have found your great,big,love,then what? How do you go abouthandling it...not letting it go...holding on to it for the traditional 'till death do us apart'...not take a wrong step here and there... etcetera etcetera...???

As my long-lost,recenty re-found(?) friend Wicca says Love,like Life,Marriage and Death is grossly overrated (Well,I met her in one of my rebellious teenager days back in Pune,when I hung out with all the wrong people[read too old and too rich for their own good].I like to think of her as my older,nastier alter-ego. She is new to blogging and I have recieved intimation that her next post is supposed to my character assassination,so please...feel free to read and comment). I,frankly,don't understand the word 'over-rated'. How can a decision which can make or break your whole future,your whole life be over-rated? Again,I have absolutely no idea...

Trying to understand love seems to me like being in nursery and trying to pronounce C-A-T all over again. I feel absolutely clueless. You try to spell it out, but you don't really understand why the letter is pronounced as "C" and it has a "ka" sound in CAT. And in the end you just give up trying to understand why it is spelt that way and just accept that that is the correct pronunciation.  Likewise, in love, somewhere or the other,you just need to give up trying to figure it all out and just decide that you either love the other person or you don't. That seems like a tough enough decision. 

I don't hate the world...but perhaps the world hates me...

The tag line of this post is inspired from a sentence my friend Capricious said recently...it  has nothing much to do with the content of this post,but I thought it would be interesting...

  Every girl wants someone who loves her so much that he will do anything to keep a smile on her face.....I might not be the typical girly girl,but I want someone like that too,who would love me to the stars and back,someone who would take care of me,someone solid and dependable and loyal. I don't know what to wish for any more. (Let me bring you up to speed on my love life so far...one cheated on me,second had been taking anti-depressants for as long as I have known him and the third....well...we are taking a break.....Throw in a life long crush-cum-best friend who died a tragic death and we are one large,happy family...).

Carrie Bradshaw says in Sex and the City (the series,not the movie..Season1 Episode 8 to be exact) that nature is obsessed with threesomes. I disagree wholeheartedly with that,because I think nature is obsessed with pairs...as in doubles...good and bad...matter and anti-matter...man and wife...whatever...

As I always say,the Great man above has quite a sense of humour. He always grants the opposite of what you actually ask him not to grant. Confused? Let me try to clarify with an example. If I wish that I don't want to stay in London any more,then He(or she for my more feminist friends) will make sure that I stay here for as long as He wishes...!!!This is just a rhetorical example. The real ones are much more complicated!!!

My latest relationship has been on again,off again from the start. So my mood swings(which were legendary to start with) have become even more aggravated over the past seven months. Let us call the person in question P. He is my Mr.Big...my Big Love (Sorry again for the Sex and the City reference...but I'm obsessed with it). I always had an idea that it won't be easy when that big love comes along,still I didn't expect quite so many obstacles. Well, anyway,the issues between P and me are not the theme of this post...so...back to it...I haven't been in a very sane or balanced state of mindset lately,as in I have been sensitive about certain things since that "call for break" or whatever. 

I was a bit of a mess the last time because it came when I so did not expect it,as the concept of taking a break while in a relationship itself was unthinkable for me...I didn't handle it all that well. I'm much better this time. For starters,I'm not behaving like a human hosepipe, causing floods all over the place. When I get into one of those moods,I go for long walks,to be alone with my thoughts...and sometimes to escape all the noise inside my head...I try to lose myself in the faces and noises in the crowd.Sometimes it is fun to just take a seat in some crowded place and then observe how fast people go by you...how fast life passes you by...(Well,I want to write more about that too...some other time). These crowds have been my salvation so far. But lately, wherever I go to forget all this nonsense,all I encounter are couples and more of them.(I am sure they were there before too,but I never noticed). I even avoid going to one of my friends' place nearby because there is a blissfully happy couple there ,perfect,made for each other kind. I don't grudge them their happiness,but seeing them reminds me that I can't be with the man I love,that I'm not happy,makes me realise how much I miss P and that how lonely I am...Every time I see a happy couple,that over sensitive nerve in my heart starts twitching and the result is...heartache all over again...It feels like a bruise in my heart,that never quite heals...As I said,the great man above has quite a sense of humour...

Forever and Always...

I try not to see
I try not to hear
I try not to think
I try not to be...
It's not always easy...

Wherever I look
Wherever I turn
There you are,forever in my heart...
Like a stubborn plant,that has taken root
In the rocks...

I miss you,
You are my life,my love
You are my everything...
I sit here wondering,every moment,
What it was,exactly that went wrong...
What have I done,my love,
That you don't trust, me anymore...
What have I done,my love,
That you don't respect me anymore...
What have I done,my love,
That you don't love me anymore.....?

I love you
Always have,always will...
No man or no power
Can take that love from me...
In my heart,
You are mine to keep...
Forever and always....
Till this heart stops beating,
Till that last whiff of breath...
You are mine and mine only...

On getting not enough time...and getting too much time...lol

Time is something that has always fascinated me. I am not exactly the best time keeper in the world. More often than not,I'm LATE for things. I have seriously not been able to figure out why that is because mostly I would have woken up early and done my chores etc in preparation of the arriving event. But when the time comes,I'm always late... Those are the times when I feel that I'm running out of time...like I'm running and running and never quite reaching where I'm supposed to ...

And then there are other times when I feel that if time were going any slower,I'll be going backwards...I feel this especially when I' waiting for the Hammersmith & City Line to go to work and at work itself. H&C line is perhaps the slowest of all London Underground lines.The frequency of the trains is really low too. But it is the most convenient way in which I could get to work as it is direct from my doorstep to my office(well,it used to be just that,but now I need to walk a bit from home). Sometimes I have to wait in the station for 25-30 minutes for a ride of 15 minutes. Meanwhile 4-5 district line trains(which is the other slow line) passes me by. And I have this image of me sitting there,waiting for H&C line train,growing old...wrinkles,grey hair et al appearing miraculously in a moment...lol..forgive the melodrama ;)And at work,I spend more time looking at the clock than in getting any actual work done.It is sooooooooo borrrrriiiiiingggggggg(data entry,accounts etc I know,I know,it is a rather weird choice after studying Physics..but hey,they pay me...lol) and mostly it finishes so fast that I'm left with nothing to do...but anyway I have to sit there till 2 to satisfy my 4 hours a day schedule...So I sit there and dream,sleep,write...and doodle on and on ;) By the time I reach home,I'm totally boreddddd...of boredom :O 

My big book of Gyaan Chapter-1

The opposite of love is not hate,it is indifference. As long as you hate someone,it means that you still care. But once that changes into indifference and all the leftover passion evaporates,it pretty much is over..whether it be a relationship,or friendship or whatever...

When I love someone,I make it a point to show that I care, by taking an interest in that person's life. And that is something I would expect in return too. My attitude towards a person generally depends upon how he or she reacts to me,or generally behaves with me. So if you feel I'm being indifferent to you,you know where to look...

I admit that I'm not a good judge of people/character. I have made some pretty bad judgements in the past and I guess it is safe to assume that I will do so in the future too. Therefore I find it a bit difficult to just come out and trust people. Who knows,someone I love and trust might not be the most trustworthy person in the world. He /she could be a cheater or liar or kleptomaniac for all I know. But then again ,if that person could give me just one good reason to trust him/her,I find it easier to forget all that.

Next time you care about a person just don't refrain from telling that person that...It could mean the world to him/her...I know that for a fact...I feel bad when someone I care about doesn't reciprocate my feelings,or when he/she doesn't tell me that he/she cares(even after I have made it very clear)...So I guess it should be the same for everyone...No one has sixth sense right,you have to say it for the other person to understand. And sometimes,just knowing that the other person loves you is not enough,you so have to hear it...and when that person doesn't tell you that,it feels awful...It makes me insecure and in doubt of myself.But I would also say that if you don't feel the same,don't refrain from telling that either,because that ,would be just like cheating that person. It is always better to know the truth,however ugly it is,don't you agree?

To A...loving brother and great friend...

To A...loving brother and great friend...

I have never gotten around to telling you how much I love you,the truth is, I never got a chance to,we have been too busy fighting and arguing over serious issues at work and petty issues at home...I should have known better,I really can't believe I made the same mistake twice,of not telling someone I love that I loved them. I'm sorry I never took the time to tell you that I love you...despite all the nasty things I've said to you,and heard from you,I love you,I have loved you for as long as I have lived,and I will continue to love you for as long as I shall live...

I mourn your loss with all my heart,I do,really...but I'm not sure yet if I have come to terms with it...well,it has just been two days after all...I spent most part of these days hoping that someone would shout "April fool" and then I'll get to shout at you some more and give you hell for pulling that over me...But then,they cremated you today.So I guess,you really are gone,back to the earth,back to where you came from...whatever...

It is said that you fight the most with the people you love the most,right? Then I guess you are my favourite brother in the world...By your own admittance,we have been fighting for as long as I have been talking...

When I say I mourn you,it is not without a selfish hue to it (Now I see you smile and say "I knew it"). You have always accepted me as the neurotic,self-centred bitch that I am,and never thought less of me due to that. You have lashed out at me regardless of my feelings whenever you felt that I'm going down a wrong path,all the while defending me in front of everyone else. And you have always stood by me,no matter what,even when you knew full well that I was wrong. You respected me as a person,an individual and respected my space and my decisions,errant though they might have been. The fact that I'm your 10-year younger sister never clouded your judgement.

As a boss,you were very taxing,but I've enjoyed working with you. You got me to do things that you couldn't have got a lazy ass like me to do otherwise. That was fun...lol. As a brother,you were a pain in the neck,but I've enjoyed  our banter over the years. As a friend,you were the best...frank,supportive and there always,like my personal rock. I thought you will be there like that always,I never thought you will disappear in a jiffy...like you did...

I would wear black for you for the rest of my life if that would make you happy...but I don't think so...You have lived you life the way you wanted to,on your own terms and had a great one at that(Well,I should quit whining before your sarcasm kicks in...) So I'll just say that it has been a pleasure growing up with you...knowing you...You were decisive but fair,critical but kind...I have had a great time with you...Until we meet again in another world...I love you...Thank you or being there for me...always...Thank you for being you...

P.S- My brother A (whom I'm sure you remember from that extra long post on the other blog some time back) passed away in an accident a couple of days back. I have always maintained that not being able to tell the people you love that you love them is one of the greatest misfortunes of life.It is,indeed...I have learnt it the hard way and I sincerely hope and pray that no one else has to go through the hell that I have gone through...ever...in life...

Ex-hausted!!!

I had a rather interesting conversation a few days ago with an ex (well,technically, ex-ex,my first boyfriend,first love etc etc). I had wanted to write about this sometime before , but everytime I got around to it ,I got a bit angry...and then some. I came so close to throwing my cell phone into the Bow Back River the last time around...lol.

My record with my exes hasn't been all that great. Either I couldn't muster enough maturity to regard them as friends after the break up, and when I finally came around to it,they just acted like morons...What were 'hi-bye' relationships went awry and awrier...till I felt so inadequate to handle it...

So as I was saying, it was rather an unpleasant surprise. Let us call him RP. Our families have been close for years. R's younger brother Ud is one of my dearest friends. RP and I dated for about a year and a half,some time in school...9th std (me), 11th std(him).

I have never given even my closest friends (or even my boyfriend) a clear-cut reason for our break-up. I have always maintained that we decided that it would be best when he went away to do his Bachelors (although we still stayed in the same district). He cheated on me with his ex,who was also a friend,or so I had thought...(well , so what is new right...)...  I really didn't feel all that bad about the break-up, to be honest it was getting a bit tiresome with us fighting all the time,him picking on my friends,my brothers etc, it was the betrayal,the breaking the trust part that sort of broke me... He didn't tell me all this news,one of my friends who didn't even know we were going around,happened to mention it in passing...I mean,I don't mind if you break-up with me today and then start dating someone else tomorrow itself,but atleast let me know that you are DONE with me,right? He didn't show even a little remorse when I confronted him...He just said that he was bored and had wanted to explore other options. I just sat there and cried...and now comes the dialogue of the millennium..."I thought you were stronger"...So what does that mean,it was easier to break my heart because I am strong??? 

That was perhaps the very first real shock I got in my life. It took me almost 3 year to recover, to actually start trusting people,male and female...and to start dating again...Having crushes is one thing, but getting scared sick and chickening out when a guy is trying to flirt with you is a totally different matter,unhealthy even.  Ud has said time and again that he understood what I went through at that time...I ask him just 1 question..."Have you ever been a 16 year old girl whose boyfriend has cheated on her?" If not you never can understand.

Eventually I managed to forgive him,be civil to him,whatever and then,he went totally cuckoo on me (lol,that is an expression I haven't even read in years ). He just stopped talking to me, we haven't talked in last 3 years...and then , the surprise phone call...You get the picture,right? 

There was nothing so unusual about the call itself,it was very cordial,polite etc etc and exceedingly irritating... I hadn't realised that I was still so angry about the whole mess after all these years...Maybe I just need a little more time to actually not care about that...The funny thing is,I am not really angry at him ,I don't even hate him any more..I just don't care about him...It is the whole situation that I am mad about. That was a shitty thing he did...and after that he actually had the nerve to face me,and throw attitude in oodles at me...Great...

To my way of thinking,there are a few lines that never should be crossed. Cheating and lying about it are definitely at the top of that list, at the very top in fact. And then I guess,the vanity,the ego of a 16 year old girl was hurt very badly,probably irreparably...I believe that this incident did have a  hand in shaping me to be this neurotic,needy,paranoid,weird person that I am now,although I can't blame my weirdness totally on one incident... But it sort of shook me up on relationships...trusting someone is not something I do very easily these days...Well...a thought for future boyfriends...a handout stating all these details, disclaimer of sorts...funny huh...!!!

I think I made a mistake coming back to London. I should have stayed home where I belong, spending time with people I love and those who love me... There were many reasons why I wanted to come back here but now I feel as if none of them hold good any more...I don't think there is anything left for me here ... I feel an unnamed hostility in the air which urges me to leave as soon as possible...There no more is any reason for me to stay here...I wonder if it was ever there in the first place... I don't know if all those arguments and all the convincing it took for my parents to allow me to come back here was worth it , because after all that, I came here  to  feel like an unwanted guest at a wedding...

I wish all that hadn't happened...I wish I hadn't come back...I wish I hadn't come to London in the first place...I wish I'd gone anywhere else in the world but here...I wish I could rewind the past three years to right where I was before, to who I was before...I wish I had never met some people,never came into contact with them...

Sometimes , just sometimes I wish I could just stop breathing and be done with it...So I don't have to get up every morning to go through the same shit all over again... I wish...

It should be really easy to trust yourself rather than someone else. But that is a challenge I have been facing for few years...(Read that as the better part of my not so very long life...). I make up my mind or have made up my mind to do that a hell lot of times...but then when the actual test of time comes...I just give in...It shouldn't be that difficult right??

For 21 years I regarded myself  the most important person in my life...that's the way it should be right??? But sometimes  I get the feeling that, that is all talk nowadays, that I put so many people before myself...I think of what someone might think if I do certain thing etc. That's quite disturbing for me, because I have never NEVER cared a shit as to what anyone thinks about my some deed or the other...I have become weird...no...weirder...sighhhh :-S

I keep telling myself that I'm better than that...that this might be just a phase that is going to pass before I know it...But honestly...I'm a little worried...and more than all,for my sanity...because now apparently I am running out of things to worry about, so am thinking about things that are not at all important to me or anybody else and worrying about them...Nice right...!!!

PS:  I am yet to wake up so I have absolutely no idea what this post is about!!!  

The first one...

I took a different turn, only to find that the following roundabout was to lead me exactly where I was before...Life has an inevitable way of doing that...Taking you exactly where you belong.. I don't know where that is yet, but I hope that it is somewhere good. Sometimes all you need is a fresh start. I am taking mine here...

Turns out the break from blogging was exactly what I needed, to figure out exactly how important it had become to me. I used to run to post every new thing that happened to me, every thought that ran through my mind. I tried to keep a diary for a while, but that didn't work. I'm a kid of the IT era, I prefer typing to writing ( big LOL). I tried to hang on to that whim of mine of leaving blogging for ever etc etc (I can be quite melodramatic at times) . But then I realised that the only one to whom it was actually making a difference was me.  I was the one who felt bad that I didn't write anymore ( I say write because, I don't do any other writing anymore, other than this!!!). And I was being miserable for absolutely no reason!!! My friend Capricious was right, this is MY thing..this is a part of who I am...and even I will be wrong to give it up...

So here I am... All new and shiny in form :D